The small things we do is how we communicate our love and that we are ‘trying our best’

Our motto is ‘making positive the new normal’ we look for extraordinary in the ordinary, and to present it as a ‘Positive Story’. The challenge is however that every time we write, we need to stand back and say ‘what is going to make this story stand out from the last one we did’?  We hope to ultimately be able to help the person being interviewed see him/herself as ‘Good Enuf’. They have to see and believe that their story is good enough to write about, and for the readers to read about. That is our mission.

Let me start of by saying that I think as a society we are failing in our mandate to help our hurting men to heal because ‘statistically women and girls are predominantly hurt by men’. So we set about trying to get our women and girls healed, but we leave the healing of our men to our prison systems. That has got to stop!

So the next story has got so many facets to it that it took 3 months before we were even sure that we wanted to go ahead and let you see it.  We were afraid that you could misconstrue information shared.  Again we caution that we only write to elevate the positive stories out of what could be viewed as negative. Read this story with an open mind.  And to our male readers may I say this: we need your voices. 

I first saw him in the early hours of the morning of 19 Feb 2019, sitting across from me, trying to make himself comfortable in a chair in the reception of the Groote Schuur hospital. I was there as a birth companion to a first-time mom, and because I was not the stipulated birthing partner, myself and the sister of the soon-to-be laboring mom ‘played tag’ to be let into the maternity ward with her.

Back downstairs it was around 4am, and while the medical personnel were doing their admission protocols, we as the birthing support team started to notice our cellphone batteries were about to die.  This was due to the constant updates we had to supply to the folk we left at home. Just before 7am when the morning shift started arriving, both our phones were completely dead.  We started to actually get worried as to just how on earth we were going to get our phones recharged.  This is when this young man jumped up and offered us his cellphone chargers. I noticed immediately that he had two devices, as he too was in constant contact with somebody unbeknown to me.  A few times the phones did not want to charge as neither our charger blocks would make connection with his chargers but then the real Macgyver stepped to the fore! It was hard not to notice the kindness of this young man, who didn’t know us from a bar of soap, yet here he was trying his utmost to assist us to get our phones charged just so that we could continue updating the concerned family at home.

On the day of the interview he had been experiencing a bout of flu and was rather perplexed due to some personal challenges he was facing; one of which was family responsibilities and the other fact that he was currently unemployed. He was visibly stressed just relaying these factors, as he had recently become a new dad.

I chose this interviewee because I think as a mother, and now grandmother, I felt so helpless when I heard part of his story that early morning, that I wanted to hear the rest of it and that was the motivation for asking him to be ‘on our couch as it were’ today. What I picked up from this young man that morning in February was that he was someone that would go to great lengths to be present for the birth of his unborn child.  I wanted to tap into what it was that would make him ‘camp out on a hospital chair’ for two weeks.  Why was it so ‘urgent’ for him to be there at the time? I thought his story was worth telling amidst the stark statistics of our communities.  Because it is a harsh reality that many become dads in the biological, pro-creational sense, but the numbers dwindle when it comes to those who chooses to become fathers in the real sense of their male responsibilities. That is what stood out for me personally about this young man.

I recently heard a statistic was shared wherein which it was said that out of 163 countries worldwide that was rated as most violent, South Africa came in at 147th place as one of the most violent, angry countries of the world where males were predominantly the perpetrators of those crimes. 

My question is: What makes this young man spend two weeks, being ‘present’ at the hospital, where others would give up that responsibility?  He was there – occasionally going home for a wash and change of clothing – but for the rest of the time he was there!  For me that was such a positive that I just couldn’t ignore it. There’s a perception that ‘real men don’t cry’ but what happens to their emotions when they are angry/irritated/disappointed/scared? If then they are not supposed to or allowed to cry when frustrated, don’t they become angry? And when angry, don’t they retaliate?  So keep an open mind dear reader as we share Suleiman’s story with you.

If you can maybe cast your mind to your childhood, what is your best memory?

“To be honest with you my childhood was not very happy. I would not want what happened to me, to happen to anybody.”

Do you think that what happens to us in childhood plays out in our adult life?
“It does. I honestly think that it does. Due to what happened to me in my childhood, I think it made me what I am today. I won’t say that I’m fearless but, I would leave home and basically not have any regard to what happens to me personally.”

Explain that to me

My real mom had me and my siblings (2 brothers and a sister) and we would occasionally be ‘dumped’ with other people.  She always had unstable relationships with men so much so that at one occasion she would leave me with someone for 3 weeks and just disappear.  A very loving and caring gentleman looked after me. I was around 2 years old at the time. I was mentally, physically abused by my real dad, with no intervention by my mom. She would stand by and watch me go through traumatic things at that young age (too sensitive to mention here) just so that she could get money from the guy.  The law at the time did not intervene into ‘family matters’ as they would today.  But fortunately I was ‘fostered’ by another distant family member.  She became my mommy at about the time I was the age of 3 years.  However things did not turn out as well as I would have liked it to, and I ended up having to take care of myself again. Because of my childhood, I don’t usually talk about my emotions and keep it all bottled up inside. I had this feeling that it was pointless talking to people, of seeking help. I would just sit and stare at the psychologists and never speak.  And afterwards I used to have these sporadic anger outbursts. My dad eventually got locked up for his abuse and died when I was around 10 years old.  I almost rejoiced when I heard it, to the point where I felt that if I knew where his grave was, I would go and desecrate it. As time passed I learnt however that he was not my real father. And up until now, I have yet to find out who my real dad is. Because I wasn’t blood I’ve been ostracized by some of the ‘family’.  I actually blame myself for a lot of the things that happened to me.

So my childhood has really not been very pleasant.  I have had to deal with anger and unresolved issues from the time that I was around 2-3 years old, and I will be turning 30 this year.

Why would you ‘blame yourself’ for what had happened to you when you were not in a position to do something about it? I know that most female survivors of abuse would shift blame to themselves.

Males are in the minority as I guess it is harder for men to speak about their feelings. 

Yet, there is an issue that needs to be addressed and that is the fact that a lot of boy child and male abuse goes unreported. I’m not going to pretend that I know why it is not reported, but all I can say is ‘thank you’ for sharing your own personal pain with us. It cannot be easy for you and I really appreciate you for doing so today. You may not feel like it today, but you are very brave to do so.

Coming back to childhood memories, what was your schooling like?

Because of the anger flare-ups, I got expelled from schools many times. For example I would get into a fight with a boy because he was rude to a girl, and ended up breaking his nose.  That inevitably led to me being expelled.  I was just angry all the time.

I can now understand why you said earlier you almost became ‘fearless’.

Because you learnt from a young age to defend yourself. Also how to build a barrier around you to protect yourself.

Yes, people look at me as a nice guy but come towards my family, then the other side of me would show up. I’m very protective of my family and right now my family is my wife and child(ren). I also hold my mother-in-law in very high regard and would also do whatever I can to protect her as she accepted me with all my faults. 

Everybody needs somebody to believe in them

I can say proudly that my wife and my mother-in-law are two people on this earth that I will stand up for as they mean the world to me. And now also my kids.

I thank you for talking about your pain today because ultimately the more we do, the less painful it becomes. 

(Here I could see that he did not believe me when I said that. However I believe that our brains are such amazing organs. When trauma happens, it will store that trauma until we are ready to deal with it.  Until such time that we are, it will appear as if we can’t remember, but once ‘triggered’ the memories will come flooding back and we will be able to apply measures of healing. I know this from personal experience. Healing takes time, it is not an overnight fix.  It is a process.  That is why it is so awesome to have someone in your corner because nobody deserves to be ‘unloved’ or to ‘feel unloved’.  We all have a purpose to fulfil here on earth and yet the enemy of our souls will do everything to prevent us from doing that.  So give it time – in God’s perfect time He will make all things work together for our good. Little by little, day by day.}

If you could travel, where would you go?

Obviously if money was no object, I would like to go on pilgrimage to Mecca. And I would like to take my wife with me.

What does pilgrimage mean to you?

I have already been when I was about 11 years old. I remember the feeling that I got when we arrived there.  The minute we got off the plane it was like I was transported into another world. You get the feeling of Hope.  The feeling of Love, and Happiness. The diversity of peoples that are all One – not one is better than the other.  No fighting, no arguments.  I never felt angry, pain, or experienced any flashbacks.  I just experienced Peace and Positivity.

So your heart yearns for Peace and positivity?

Yes.  And I would like to find my real family; find out whom I come from.  That would be the key to my broken chest.

Not to sound somber, but if you walk through the kramat (graveyard), what do you want your inscription to say after your departure here? Because remember your childhood was filled with pain, trauma and upheaval.  You were searching for truth.  You’ve become a father of two.  If, God forbid something were to happen to you tomorrow, what would you like people to remember or know about you?

Here he quoted a proverb in Arabic which I would be silly to try and repeat.  But translated loosely in English it means “God had a specific soldier that fought to the bitter end.” It was something that stuck with him from the age of 10.

Remember due to early confessions of expulsions from schools, is there any teacher that stands out in your memory?

Without a doubt, Mr Tony Bell!

What made Mr Bell so special to you?

That man always had my back.  If I needed extra classes or just someone to talk to, he was the one who helped me or listened.  He was my teacher from Grade 8 – 12.

Mr Tony Bell, wherever you are, we salute you today!

You said you were married. When or how did you meet your wife? What was your attraction to her? I can see your eyes light up immediately

To be honest she’s very feisty.  And one of the strongest women I have met in my life. Especially recently with what she went through medically. And then of course giving birth to our beautiful daughter. I admire her and I take my hat off to her.  She’s my pillar of strength. She’s no-nonsense and tell exactly what is on her mind.  I think I needed that in my life.

What was happening to you at the hospital when you were so constantly on the phone?  It looked like you were immensely stressed out?

I was going through a very tough time.  Due to my being unemployed and having to appear in court for child maintenance, and also wanting to be at the hospital for the birth of my daughter, it was immensely stressful. I take my responsibilities very serious.  Yet how was I going to be in two places at the same time, without violation of either one of the important events at hand? I didn’t want to leave my wife’s side, yet there was this urgency on the other side that could have ended with me going to jail.

I saw how hard it was for you.  You impressed upon me how much family means to you and having been given a little insight into where you come from, it is remarkable to have met you.  I pray you find healing, and that only comes with time.  Your encounter during your first pilgrimage is obviously a driving force and I wish you the means to fulfil your wish to go as an adult.  Where indeed you hope to find Peace. Peace doesn’t come from a man – only from God.

I want to take my hat off to you for wanting to be a ‘present father’.  And I pray that you will one day be able to provide for your family in the way your heart desires.

I wish you ‘help in due season’ to overcome your obstacles. 

Fatherhood in our communities need to be celebrated much more for those dads who really are stepping up to the plate.  I don’t think that it is receiving the elevation that it should.  Most stories are about single women raising babies.  Daddies giving up their responsibilities to pursue other so-called priorities.  But the real fathers need recognition. Because you could have so easily turned out to be an angry man imitating what was done to you, discarding your kid(s), yet you are doing everything that you can to be a ‘present father’.  Unemployment aside, you are making a positive contribution to the upbringing of your children.  I’m sure that if you had more money, you would do MORE, but you don’t right now.  Yet that does not deter your heart from WANTING to.

How do you feel right now?

The past few weeks was very hard.  I’m angry again because I cannot provide for my daughter and my wife.  I try to contribute by doing physical tasks around the house to show that I’m not lazy, that I’m not a low-life. So if I could find a job soon I can show that I’m worthy of being a son-in-law.  I would just like to find a Job!  Being unemployed makes me feel disempowered. I believe that a man must work. And a man must provide.  And because I can’t do it now, I feel worthless. And I hate that feeling.

But I’m trusting God to help me, otherwise I don’t know what is going to happen…

In closing, let’s wrap up with a short biography

For all intents and purposes I’m an only child. I’m married, and have 2 kids. 

What is the next step? Are there any closing comments that you want to make? Any suggestions to us in terms of what you think can be done to help men to deal with the anger they are dealing with?

For me, I need to be able to trust someone before I will want to share my feelings with them. And I think it is true for most guys.

Do you think that society has more patience towards women than men?

Much more yes

The small things we do is how we communicate our love and that we are ‘trying our best’.  Don’t make light of what we do in and around the house. Don’t ridicule or minimize our efforts even if it is not the way YOU would have done it.  At least we are trying.  Small things we do for you is BIG for us – so just acknowledge that please. We know that giving birth is one of THE toughest things a woman’s body is designed to do. But if we have a cold or headache, don’t go make comparisons about it.  There is no need for constant comparing ‘your pain vs my pain’.

That is probably why men (in general) don’t like to talk about their feelings.  Any guy would tell you that a simple ‘thank you’ means more than all this other stuff.

Xx Note from the author Xx

Issues that came out from this interview took me on an unexpected journey of ‘discovery’.

1. There is a discord in society to find workable ways for the guys in our lives the ‘tools as it were’ to deal with the anger.  (What about a kind of ‘men’s cave’ where guys chill and over a game of thrones or something, build camaraderie, get rid of the pent up emotions/anger? I don’t know…)
2. Trust is a real factor for men. (We get that we cannot ask you to share personal information, then the questions are automatically going to be:
   1. What are you going to do with that information?
   1. Do you want it to hold it against me for later?
   1. So guys need a type of ‘venting outlet’ of some sort – we just don’t know the answer quite yet. But we are all now duly challenged to finding the answers – together.
3. I think society has really been unkind to men in general.  We’ve proceeded to emasculate men (we want them to be ‘softer’ but if they are, we call them all kinds of derogatory names).
4. It is true that everyone goes through rough patches from time to time, but I think it is also important that women and society at large stops pushing the men in our lives to the point of no return. 
5. This interview also opened up a different view of how society perception of trauma and men’s responses to it. Where do they go with all this pent-up emotions sometimes without being criticized or feeling emasculated?

As society we try to get our women to heal.  Once we are healed, we want to come to you and expect you to know how to deal with us.  But we need to be educated as to how to go about helping to heal you as our men. Because our men are hurting too.  So we need to engage in a new dialogue or method of hearing ‘what men really want from the perspective of a man’ – not the perspective of a woman. Asking ‘how was your day’? And then be willing to listen.  Don’t rush in, wait until he is ready to tell you.  And once he tells you, be respectful of that information.  Stop gathering information to use as ammunition against your partner later on.  If it happened long before you entered  life his – and he shares it with you – don’t bring it up ever again to use it against him. 

Shoo, this was a very interesting interview!

Thank you for the opportunity Suleiman